Gaslighting you
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Introduction
Alice dreams of Mark again.
Giganet loses a key employee.
We meet a new anti-design pattern: Don’t Flip the Bozo Bit
The scent of Kenzo
Friday afternoon 4:30pm - FBI field office 11000 Wilshire
Alice is legal counsel, specializing in prosecuting money-laundering and international crimes. She just finished a meeting with her team on a case against a group of Columbians suspected of drug traffic, money-laundering and funding Hamas.
Sam, the FBI agent who works closely with Alice, is waiting for her outside the conference room.
Sam, “Do you want an update on Slick?”.
Alice nods.
“Slick” is the FBI code-name for her ex, Dave.
Arrested for money-laundering and wire-fraud.
Alice shot Slick during his arrest, but that is another story. You can read that story some other time, if you really want.
But let us not digress.
Let’s talk about Dave. Let’s talk about his lightning quick beginning and his terrible end.
Sam, “Slick was released on bail this morning. I thought you would want to know”.
Saturday night at 10:30pm - Ocean Park
Alice opens the door and walks into her home. Alice watches classic Hollywood movies at the Aero Theater on Montana Ave. She just saw "Gaslight" from 1944. Paula (Ingrid Bergman) is manipulated and terrorized by her husband Gregory (Charles Boyer) in an attempt to make her believe she is going insane.
Her kids are spending the night with Jerzy, their grandfather after a long day at Magic Mountain.
She clicks the light switch to the right of the front door. Nothing happens. Clicks again - nothing happens.
It’s dark. Her senses are heightened. Her pulse and mind, occupied with “Gaslight”, are now racing 180.
She smells Kenzo Homme. A floral fragrance she remembers too well. They bought the dark blue bottle at a store on the Cannes promenade during their honeymoon. They stayed at the Carlton. Dave made the aftershave his.
Alice pulls out her Smith & Wesson MP9. She lets her eyes adjust to the darkness.
She hears steps coming down from the second floor.
The Kenzo Homme fragrance grows stronger.
It’s Dave.
The lights come on.
Dave, “Hey Babe”.
Alice, “Dave, you scared the hell out of me. How the fuck did you get in?”
Dave, “You never changed your key code”.
Alice, “What do you want?”
Dave, “I came to tell you something. There’s no mercy for me. You’ve broken my heart and dignity. You left with no sorrow. You shot me.
I just want to say that I forgive you”.
Alice removes the safety from the MP9 in her right hand, and backs up to the front door and opens it slowly with her left hand. Keeping her eyes on Dave the whole time. Light streams in from the street.
Alice, “Dave, thank you for that, but you can’t stay here, you have to go”.
And just like that, Dave leaves.
Alice calls her Dad first. “Jerzy, Dave was just here. Don’t ask questions. Just make sure the kids are with you at all times. Don’t let anyone into the house”.
Then she calls Sam, “Sam, Dave was just here, waiting for me in my house after he came in through the back door”.
Sam, “I’ll have LAPD send a patrol car to your house right now. I’ll ask Kelley to track him down and arrest him for breaking his terms of bail. Wait until the patrol car arrives and go to your Dad’s for the night”.
10’ later, Alice sees an LAPD car pull up in front of her house. She locks the front door and walks out.
The officer, “Hi Alice, I hear your suspect is doing house calls now”.
Alice, “Yeah. Thanks for coming so fast. I’m going to spend the night with the kids at my Dad’s house”.
15’ later, she’s at Jerzy’s house in Bel Air. Jerzy gives her a long hug. She goes upstairs to check on the kids and give them a hug of her own.
Jerzy, “Your old room is still available, kid. I laid out some fresh sheets and towels for you”.
They talk until 2:00 AM.
Alice remembers her conversation with Jerzy from 2 weeks ago.
Alice, “Why would Dave get himself into this shit and risk 20 years in prison?”.
Jerzy, “He lost big money on derivative trades, and needs to get it back to support his lavish lifestyle with his girlfriend. Maybe he likes the adrenaline rush of laundering money and getting away with it”.
Alice, “So you’re saying I should be a snitch?”
Jerzy, “Actually, I'm saying, you should get yourself a boyfriend, and move on”.
Giganet
Giganet sells software to companies who employ gig workers in California.
Giganet collects work hours from gig-worker smart watches and produces all the reports for California state and Federal reporting. As Barry likes to say, "Giganet Fast-Tracks Your Gig Payroll”.
Pesya invites Bob, Yasmin, Lena and Justin to lunch.
They meet at the Golden Dragon. As they walk in, they hear a loud chatter of customers mixed with laughter and clattering dishes. They feel the kitchen's energy and strong smell of spices, and the sizzling stir-fry. Pesya says, “I love this place”, and asks a server for a corner table for 5. They are starving and order dim-sum. They wait until their server walks away before talking.
Pesya, “The team has done a great job the past year and with 3 straight wins, you have every right to be proud. A letdown after a major accomplishment is natural. You’re all coming down from that dopamine high and it’s ok”.
Pesya, “Let’s check-in and share how you feel about right now”.
Yasmin, “I’m in. Good”.
Lena, “I’m in. Sad”.
Justin, “I’m in. Good”.
Bob, “I’m in. Worthless”.
Pesya, “I’m in. Happy”.
Pesya, “Bob and Lena - instead of slowing down, I want you to take all that great energy you have and commit to greatness again. The more you tap into your Qi and commit to your life - the faster you’ll get back into shape”.
Bob, “Pesya, thank you for that - I know I needed a cold dose of support”.
Lena, “Pesya, you’re always happy. I have an announcement”.
Bob, “Yes Lena?”
Lena, “I have to go back to Tomsk. My mother is ill. I need to take care of her”.
Bob, “That’s news. When ?”
Lena, “I want to leave at the end of next week. I honestly don’t know when I’ll be back. I might be able to work remotely but I don’t know how much available time I’ll have”.
Bob, “First off, we all wish your Mom a speedy recovery. It seems we need a part-time replacement ASAP”.
Pesya, “I might have an option for you. My son has a friend doing a PhD in astrophysics at CalTech. Izzie has been over the house a few times, and I like him. I’ll share his contact with you”.
2 days later, Izzie passes the in-office interview loop with Bob, Lena, Iris and Yasmin.
He’s a smart and friendly guy with a high aptitude for programming who should be able to learn quickly and maintain the software modules that Lena owns.
3 days later, Izzie starts working hybrid; 4 hours in the office and 16 hours/week remote. He has a week with Lena to do a handoff of her code before she flies out to Omsk.
Izzie is super-smart and super-friendly but strange. He can’t seem to adapt himself to the Giganet way of working with daily Check-ins. Yasmin has this method of code review, where they all sit around a circle and each person reads their code to the team. Izzie can’t seem to get the hang of it. Either he’ll move too fast or he’ll complain about the quality of the code. After a week of strange behavior, Bob notices that Yasmin and Justin have become very impatient with Izzie during the daily check-ins. Since Tomsk is 14 hours ahead of LA, Bob schedules their daily check-in for 8:00AM West Coast time so that Lena can join the Zoom at 10:00 PM her time. The only problem is that Izzie doesn’t get up before 12:00AM
The team begins to flip the Bozo bit on Izzie and ignore him.
Don’t flip the bozo bit anti-design pattern
Don’t flip the bozo bit on weird people, just because they’re strange and different.
Don’t flip the bozo bit on fools, just because they’re fools.
Introduction
Flipping the bozo bit is human nature. We are negative about people who are fools. Or look weird to us.
Once you flip the bozo bit on a person, it is very hard going back.
This person can be anyone that interacts with your team: a boss, a customer, a fellow team member, a supplier.
The name “Bozo bit has” has a long and interesting history.
In early versions of Apple's classic Mac OS, the "bozo bit" (also called the "no copy" flag in some documentation) was one of the flags in the Finder Information Record, which described various file attributes. When the bit was set, the file could not be copied. It was called the bozo bit because it was copy protection so weak that only a bozo would think of it, and only a bozo would be deterred by it.
You flip the bozo bit when you:
Believe everything a person says, and react to how they behave.
Are not curious
Believe appearances
You can flip the bozo bit on customers also, not just on team members.
Let’s look at 3 case studies of how flipping the bozo bit on customers damages a company.
Flipping the bozo bit on customers?
A customer paid $750K/year for a cloud service. Their project manager was very sweet, but not the sharpest pencil in the package. She had a habit of raising her voice in a crescendo during a support call, hoping to compensate for her cluelessness with volume. The support team believed her but didn’t believe in her.
The support team flipped the bozo bit on her. As a result, the company missed an opportunity to improve their software, and lost deals after their negative attitude got back to the customer.
Not being curious enough with customers?
At the beginning of COVID, it seemed like the world was coming to an end. Within weeks, anyone who had an idea for a cure was raising money, throwing it at a wall and trying to see if they could get FDA approval and become a billionaire. Many of the people who contracted with a CRO (Clinical Research Organization) to do clinical trials, were either clueless or charlatans.
A CRO had a small, get-rich-quick-on-COVID biotech customer.
They didn’t seem to have a past. They paid in cash, and the CRO didn’t ask too many questions. The CRO stopped being curious about who the customer was and what he was really doing. It was only about the money.
The CRO flipped the bozo bit on the biotech company and stopped being afraid. The biotech got into hot water with the SEC and their investors over fraudulent reporting and tried to take the CRO down with them.
They didn’t succeed, but it was one hell of a shit-storm.
Trapped into believing appearances?
A diabetes startup was referred to another CRO by the person in charge of clinical innovation at a major university. Someone that the CRO trusted. The 2 founders of the startup were in the Forbes 30 Under 30 list. They were 2 bright, attractive, dynamic women who raised venture capital. Within a month of starting the project, the CRO realized that they had been trapped into believing appearances. The project was badly under-funded and the 2 co-founders had no understanding of clinical research.
The CRO flipped the bozo bit on them. It took an incredible amount of energy to bring the relationship back to normal business. Energy that could have been used by the CRO to close 10 profitable customers.
Conclusion
When you flip the bozo bit on a person, you point a gun at your own head.
You lose opportunities to improve your team and your product.
Your risk management and decision-making suffer because you ignore signals.
Solving Do not flip the bozo bit
Separate the person from their behavior. Everyone has something to contribute to your team.
In customer service, separate the person from the problem. Every person has their own personal drama. It has nothing to do with you.
Disconnect. Go up to 20,000' and look at the situation and person dispassionately. Do not get angry (or at least don’t share your anger with the customer and your team).
Be curious - ask questions.
Look past appearances and how people talk. It’s all too easy to react badly to a very attractive or very smart person who is also very aggressive.
On a park bench in Venice CA
Alice has a dream. She dreams she is sitting on a park bench with a tall, lanky bald man in his 60s.
The tall bald man was the one who began. He has a friendly, warm, and caring demeanor.
He introduces himself, “My name is Mark”.
She replies, “I am Alice, I know that”.
Alice feels strangely secure and comfortable with Mark, like they were old friends.
Mark, “Alice, how are you? What’s new at the FBI, and with Bob?”.
The tall bald man remained silent as they sat on the park bench.
In front of them there was the green calm of the park.
A woman hungry for answers, must stock up on patience.
A man in possession of analytical skills needs to listen.
That is why Mark remained silent.
Mark listened carefully to Alice.
Alice, “FBI is good. I had a personal issue today. I need to talk to Bob”.
Mark listens carefully to Alice and looks her straight in the eye.
Alice trusts Mark and asks, “What should I do?”
Mark, “You and Bob need to solve the Resolution Avoidance anti-pattern.
You try to guess what another person is thinking, and do nothing because you are afraid of what they might say.
Do you love him?”.
Alice, “I am very attracted to him, but I don’t know how he feels, or if he can love me back”.
Mark, “Here’s what I suggest.
Do the things that make you both happy, like music and movies. Move slowly.
In time, the answer to your questions will come naturally”.
And she wakes up.